1. Identify and manage emotions: If possible, help your friend identify his or her emotions, and then move on to managing these emotions. Grief, anger, and despair at the end of a relationship are expected; however, some of the actions resulting from those emotions can be very damaging. Your friend needs to recognize that anger is part of the normal cycle of grief, and that he can choose healthy and unhealthy ways to react to his anger. Encourage your friend or family member to seek help from a counselor or divorce coach. Extended health plans or employee assistance plans usually cover counseling or psychologist appointments. Community organizations offer counseling, some with fees on a sliding scale (e.g. Family Services of Greater Victoria).
2. Seek professional advice early: Encourage your family member to seek appropriate professional advice early on. Often financial, legal or parenting advice is needed; your friend or family member will be less vulnerable if properly advised. Competent advice at early stages leads to more realistic expectations. Many aspects of family law are objective – and the sooner your friend has accurate advice about property division, spousal and child support, the better. Some of the financial aspects of separation can be complicated, such as the division of pensions and business assets.
3. Give your time and energy: Time is often short for those in the bewildering stages of separation. The emotional impact is draining and the financial consequences can be challenging. It is difficult to find the extra time to gather documents, meet with professionals or attend court appearances. Your friend may need help finding resources such as parenting programs, counseling for children, or a new place to live. Consider how you can give your time and energy.
4. Value the other parent: If your friend has children, help your friend recognize the value of the other parent, and that their former spouse’s relationships with their children will continue (except in rare circumstances.) Likewise, their relationship with their former spouse as a parent will continue. There are many resources to help parents make the transition from life partners to co-parents.
5. Don’t encourage your friend to dwell on the faults of his or her spouse: Many people are extremely upset about their spouse’s behaviour, especially if such behaviour caused the relationship to end. Spousal misconduct is not significant to the legal matters of property division and support. Abuse or addiction issues may be relevant to parenting and should generally be addressed in that context.